age
“how old are you right now?”
when i cry, i’m twelve
shoving dirty tissues into trash cans
cleaning up sticky snotty tears after
classmates bully and exclude me
while teachers watch on
i’ve been thrown into the coliseum
fighting for my life
frantically scraping up and burning
every part of me that’s off-putting
when i’m anxious, i’m thirteen
obsessively checking my phone for
texts from the 21 year old woman online who’s grooming me
making sure she’s okay
diffusing the bombs
of “i’m gonna kill myself” or “I’m gonna leave you”
when i’m angry, i’m fourteen
wondering why everyone seemed to stop giving a fuck
trying to figure out why no one noticed i was screaming for help
when i’m quiet, i’m sixteen
hiding in corners
making myself as small and compact as possible
nodding and smiling and saying yes
and somehow always fucking it all up anyways
when i’m scared, i’m nineteen
falling deep into burnout for the first time
unable to see the end of the horizon
drowning in uncharted waters
while everyone else looks in and says things like
“how could this happen”
and
“they were doing so well”
and
clicking their tongues and shaking their heads
unsure of what to do
and then when i say the age i feel i am
she says “hm”
clicks her pen
writes something down
and suddenly i am every age
all at once