ways i try to self-soothe
trying to convince myself i’m better now—
less depressed
more beautiful
more put together
hurt comfort fics on ao3
i become aventurine or kazuma kiryu or gregory house for fifteen minutes
imagine myself in their shoes
bathing in the pixels on my screen
tucked in an apparition’s arms sobbing while they rub my back and whisper “shhhhhh”
going to the grocery store and buying an 8 dollar pint of ice cream
swirls of caramel and fudge chunks dance in my mind on the drive home
i sit in my room
littered with dirty clothes and soda cans
and eat it with my 73rd rewatch of law and order
the sugar and cream gently lift the layers of anxiety away
but they grow back right after
lucid dreaming!!
wouldn’t it be cool to not be here?
but not in like a dying way
in an alternate universe leaving my body way
i lay in bed completely still and stare at the ceiling
shutting my eyes and hoping i go somewhere else
but i fall into a dreamless sleep instead
and wake up right where i left off
looking at stuff i can’t afford
cool clothes
video games
art supplies
studio apartments.
money isn’t everything
consuming isn’t a hobby
but god, does it feel good to click “add to cart”
and watch it sit there for a few days
and of course, everyone’s favorite
jerking off!!!!
the post-nut clarity fucking sucks
but i live for the pre and during
a beautiful escape
a little death
dopamine is a cruel mistress
she rules my life
spending all of my time chasing things that will make me feel good
hoping and praying that anything will work
please, please, please
a shred of something
that will break through the layers of prozac
so that i don’t have to think anymore