waiting
as a kid it was “you’ll understand when you’re older
you’ll figure it out
you’ll feel better when you’re older
you just have to wait.”
years and years of watching adults build careers and get married and do what they love
while i stood in the corner
outgrowing my body
an alien amongst my peers
wondering when i’d find my place and my people.
when a boy broke my heart for the first time
i sat with my mom on the porch
and she told me i’d find someone someday who would love me for me
i’d watch her talk to my dad
it’s now been thirty years of marriage between them
hundreds of photos
some burned in the fire but their love never destroyed
and in that moment
fifteen years old, dumped in my childhood driveway
this someone someday feels aeons away
and in my teenage worldview
i feel like the love my parents have might never find me
time trudges on and i grow more impatient
darkness surmounts
i don’t know when ill ever feel better
every time i reach for the light at the end of the tunnel it fucking runs away terrified
frustration wells in my underdeveloped brain
so i start to find comfort in the depression
mutilate my body
fill it with substances
yearn for the big sleep
endless paper scrubs and alcohol-free shampoo
i sit in a weighted chair lit overhead by fluorescents and a peer support worker is telling me to keep going
that it’ll get better someday
and i don’t believe him
i’m tired of waiting
waiting for my life to feel like it’s worth living
waiting to feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair and smiles that aren’t forced
waiting to go anywhere without wanting to hide
i take the tiny little pills in the plastic cups anyways
scrub my face clean
tilt my tongue so the nurse can look underneath
go lay in the anti-ligature sheets and drift into a trazodone-induced sleep
knowing that i still have to wait
i drop out of college
and start working at a pizza place
pepperoni oil sears into my forearms
sweating under the heat of the oven
i light a Newport outside with my manager and he tells me
“there’s something out there that’s bigger than you
and you’ll find it someday.”
the words ring hollow in my brain
rattle around like coins in a jar
because how many times have i been told
just wait, hold out, someday, sometime, someplace
i nod and thank him with an empty smile
i don’t know what else to do
i walk into cosmetology school for the first time
1500 hours stretch before me
the air thick and stale between brick walls
i lather mousse in my hands and grip shaking onto the hair of old ladies who have survived the wait and lived to tell the tale
they tell me when i get older i’ll stop caring so much
that ill look back on everything and find diamonds in the rough of my struggles
remember the good and the bad
learn to love those that have wronged me
use all of the broken pieces to create something better.
now i’m an adult
with a career and a credit score and a place of my own
sometimes i’m still impatient
but now ive learned that all along there was beauty in the wait
i think about the days spent watching anime after school
my friends holding me close after breakups
the visits in hospitals, playing cards on well-worn decks
the relief of clocking out after a long shift and heading home to my bed and my cat
going back to school and feeling so scared but so right at the same time
laughing and crying and fighting and singing and reading and fucking and hoping and realizing
the wait made me who i am
and i can’t wait to wait some more